Working
the 12 Steps of CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA)
© 2005 NYC CoDA Intergroup.
All rights reserved.
The CoDA 12 Steps and 12
Promises are © Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc.
The Twelve
Steps and Twelve Traditions have been reprinted and adapted with permission of
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt this
material does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the content of this
publication, nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. AA is a
program of recovery from alcoholism only – use of the Twelve Steps and Twelve
Traditions in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after
AA, but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.
Welcome! This section of our
web site is designed to help people work the 12 Steps of CoDependents Anonymous
(CoDA).
NOTE: Attending meetings is a vital part
of recovery! These readings
and exercises are part of the recovery process. We urge you NOT to do
this work in isolation. Instead, share your recovery work at a meeting and
practice listening to others in an open, non-judgmental way. Then, take what
you like and leave the rest. Find what works for you as you work this
program in a supportive environment.
Since isolating is a major
codependent characteristic, we urge you to venture out into the community of CoDependents
Anonymous and share your recovery in a safe, supportive environment.
To find a CoDA meeting,
click here: CoDA Meeting locations
Remember, there is no “right” way
to work the Steps. Find your way. Give yourself permission to work the
Steps imperfectly. Continue this process at your pace, in your way, a way that
works for you. Meetings are an excellent, safe place to share your Step
work. A number of meetings have a Step focus, but any CoDA meeting can work.
Many
CoDA members ask about finding a sponsor. A sponsor is someone in the program
who has worked the Steps and can be a resource while you work through your
process. You can ask people at your home meeting if they are willing to be your
sponsor. There are 2 pieces of CoDA literature on sponsorship available through
Intergroup (also available at some meetings). If you have trouble finding a
sponsor, don’t be discouraged. Consider finding a safe CoDA friend and forming
a “co-sponsor” relationship. Co-sponsors sponsor each other and work the Steps
together. Negotiate your boundaries: how often do you want to talk, when is
okay to call, etc. Practice listening and empathizing without trying to fix or give
advice. Consider using a time limit so that each person shares for an equal
time. And remember, you decide what (and who) works for you.
In a
co-sponsor or other relationship, try the following when listening to someone:
Mirror: when the person finishes speaking,
mirror back what you’ve just heard. In other words, summarize what the person
has said, to make sure you got it right.
Empathize: next, empathize with anything you can
relate to. For example, say, “I can really relate to having an unavailable
father. I hardly ever saw my father growing up, and it was really painful.”
Validate: finally, validate the person. It takes
courage to be honest and vulnerable with someone. Honor their process. Let them
know that what they’ve said “makes sense” and that they’ve done good work.
If you’re tempted to give advice, remember that you are not here to fix other people. Honor the other person’s process and trust that in time they can find the way that works best for them. If you empathize, you can later share what you’ve done in a similar circumstance. If you later feel upset that they won’t follow or even try your suggestion, then remind yourself that you cannot know what is best for anyone else; only they can know that. It is not your job to save them. “We are powerless over others.” Practice listening, mirroring, empathizing, and validating. Detach. Focus on yourself. And be patient with yourself as you learn new behavior.
All readings suggested here are
from CoDA Conference-approved literature. You may find other literature helpful
too, but, in keeping with our Traditions, we refer only to our own literature
here. This keeps us from appearing to endorse certain authors, thereby
associating with personalities. In CoDA, we are the experts on our
recovery. Our literature comes from us and is published by us, in a manner
agreed on by us, through the service structure of CoDA. “CoDA
Conference-Approved Literature” means that the literature was written by
members of CoDA and then reviewed by a group of CoDA members and approved at a
national CoDA conference. By us, for us, about us.
To find out how to get CoDA
literature, click here.
For
each step we have suggested some exercises that you may find helpful. Do as
many or as few as you’d like. (Take what you like and leave the rest.) Focus on the process, not the results.
Be patient and don’t do all of it in one sitting. Take your time. Spread it
out. Process the work at meetings, with a therapist and/or with other CoDA
members.
Best of luck to you on your
journey, and congratulations on commiting to your own recovery!
Click on a Step below to see the readings and exercises for that
Step.
If
you want to be on our email list to receive updates on upcoming CoDA events in
New
York City, please write to intergroup@codanyc.org
For more CoDA info, go to www.codanyc.org or call 212-969-8624
For more information on the program of
CoDependents anonymous, visit the national web site at www.codependents.org